desperate reach

Reaching, pressing, pulling, desperately hoping
something will give in the wrestle I find myself in
with the One who holds my soul.

I try, G-d, You know I do.
I try to find You here,
and I try to find You there
yet it seems as if You’ve found a place just beyond my reach, maybe hidden in plain sight.

I’m afraid to even ask or presume a question that hints of accusation against You. Yet, in certain moments, when the pain seems too much again, my soul seems to bubble up with allegations against the only One whom I can trust. The terrifying place of looking at this broken heart and letting it feel. The fearful thought that if this heart really gets to feel will I make it back to gather myself into the person whose fragments have fallen down all around my feet.

Deliverer, deliver me. Saviour, save me. If You hear me, please help. If you hear me, please let me know. If You hear me, please answer. G-d, I believe, help the unbelief that scars my soul.

I can’t trust You without You helping me. I can’t find You unless You let me see. I can’t hear You unless You unstop these ears.

I cry out again, Abba, Abba, Abba, please come.
I love You, You know I do.
I need You.
I can’t make it in this desert alone.
I need a drink from You, for You are living water.
Fill this soul with living water.
Lead me to the water that I may know how to drink.
Oh G-d I need You, I desperately do.